I closed down my YouTube channel

Around 18 months ago I set up a YouTube channel as an author. I hoped for it to be another way to reach readers. Instead it attracted other authors who were along the journey with me which was great - I met some wonderful people and it made me think about my writing process more.

But I think I was so excited to start that I didn't really think through whether it was something I wanted to do long-term, or even if it suited my personality. I'm high in Input and Learner in my Clifton-Strengths so that carried me through the first 6 months or so. There was so much to learn - talking to camera, filming, editing videos and so on - and I loved it. I immersed myself in learning all the things. I watched videos on how to grow my YouTube channel and tried to juggle my writing and filming.

After the initial flush of excitement wore off, my body started telling me that I'd made the wrong choice. I would dread picking up the camera and had to force myself to do it. And then when I did upload something, there would be a constant knot in my stomach about how it would be received. I had a couple of videos do well (ironically they were about quitting my job, not about writing) and they attracted a few negative comments. Not many and they were outnumbered by the positive ones, but it was the trolling ones that stuck in my head.

I became fixated more than I wanted to on the number of likes and subscribers. My attention was on "creating content" more than writing books. My mood was affected by how well a video did - and not achieving what I wanted with each video started to wear on me. It became harder and harder to film. Over the last 6 months, I think I made 2 short videos - both saying I'd be back soon and that was about it. I wrote a number of scripts for videos but couldn't force myself to film them - I always had excuses that the lighting wasn't right, or it was too noisy, or I was too busy.

Eventually I realised that I didn't want to be a "content creator". YouTube seems to rely heavily on having click-bait titles and thumbnails and that didn't sit right with me. I didn't want to be part of an algorithm. I didn't want to stare at my face while I edited a video. I didn't want to worry about how I would be perceived.

And like other social media, it feels like it's getting worse. People are trying to grab your attention in more and more ways - often negative. I felt there was much noise on the internet that I was only adding to it. I don't have some magic bullet to being a writer. I didn't want to be one of the creators who had published one book and then sold a course to their eager fans on how to write. I needed to be true to myself. I wrestled with the decision - my high Responsibility strength felt like I was letting people down. I'd made a commitment to starting the channel - surely I should see it through.

Until I realised I didn't owe anyone anything. No-ones life was going to be adversely impacted if I stopped. Mine would definitely be better - not having the weight of feeling like I "should" make a video or update people on what I was doing. So I put up a final post (I couldn't bring myself to make it a video!), directed anyone who was interested to my reader newsletter or to email me, turned off comments and then made all but my introduction video private. I didn't delete the videos - they're still there if I do change my mind in the future, but for now a huge weight has been lifted off my mind.

I'm also trying to stay away from other social media as much as possible, although the designed addictiveness of it makes it hard to do! I've taken Facebook and Instagram off my phone and only post on my page occasionally. Just enough to prove I'm still human! I put my time into creating an interesting newsletter to connect to readers instead and am trying to do monthly blog updates.

So now my focus is more firmly on writing the books and honouring what works best for me. And that's time to create. Intellection is another of my top five strengths, and that means that I need to ruminate and think deeply while I'm writing. I do miss a little passing on what I know to other authors so maybe in the future I'll start an author newsletter or similar. But right now I don't think I have enough to say and it feels like another "should" rather than something that fills me with excitement.

I don't regret starting the channel - I learnt a lot of great skills and connected with lovely people - but right now, it's not the right thing for me. And that's okay!